07 Jan 12 at 12 am

chilling with no make up on, that’s when you’re the prettiest, I hope that you don’t take it wrong.

-Drake, Best I ever had.

chilling with no make up on, that’s when you’re the prettiest, I hope that you don’t take it wrong.
-Drake, Best I ever had.

Everything has gone wrong,

School: My U in chemistry, everything that has kicked off between my teachers, the stress and arguments and being hauled into offices all week, the crying, the stress and the frustration of being told I don’t make any effort. I’ve been berated and demotivated and I’m just tired of it. 

Work: I worked Christmas eve, eve; I offered to work Christmas eve but didn’t, I worked Christmas day, boxing day, not new years eve, but new years day and this week I got one shift, being told I should work harder. Second time I’ve been told I don’t make effort when I do. 

Relationship: Broke up with the boyfriend and everything’s just a mess, I’m an absolute wreck with 3 exams and a piece of coursework due. 15 months, 2 weeks and 2 days and I can’t let go or make it stop hurting.

Health: My eczema has flared up for the first time in years so i can’t have my arms on show as they look awful. I’ve been to the doctor about my chest pains and they’re from stress, it feels like I’m going to have a heart attack. And finally, they have no clue why my tongue swells up when I eat certain foods.

I know it would be so easy to give up, just fuck it, but I can’t and I’m so tired of trying when it’s not recognised.

05 Jan 12 at 11 pm

making myself depressed. yay.

making myself depressed. yay.

i’m laid in bed crying, i can’t sleep and tomorrow i have to go to college and face him, plus turns out stress gives you chest pains, yay. 

had to come home from the boyfs early, because I just couldn’t stop crying.
I went round, his mum got home at 6, at 7, she came in asked me what i wanted to eat from the co op and i was like erm, (i eat home cooked food and she clearly didn’t mean that). S she got pasta and pasta sauce, poured the pasta sauce on, didn’t let me check it, it had pepper corns in, which she is aware I’m mildly allergic to (they make me sick and my throat burn and itch) so i sat and ate as much as I could until my throat hurt and I’d tried to scrape all the pasta sauce off. We ate on the sofa in front of the telly again. We used to eat round the table and his mum would cook a nice meal and pudding and we’d chat, but the past three times I’ve been over, we’ve eaten in front of the telly, two times having take aways and once i cooked my own tea with Howie. I don’t get a warm welcome, they’re rude and harsh. And there’s nothing I can do and I’m so frustrated and uncomfortable and i just burst into tears, i felt so unwelcome and unwanted. So i came home 2 hours early to cry with mum.

I am so upset.

03 Oct 11 at 10 pm
tags: bad  blahh  crying  day  hate  hate  howie  i  in  life  love  my  public  raaa  senior  you  rannntttt!  rant  rant 

Cried in public for the first time in a very long time. Just can’t keep my emotions in check. I can’t even begin to describe how I felt, I hate crying in public, it’s embarrassing and I don’t feel showing weakness. But it made it okay, because I had someone to grab hold of me and cuddle me and kiss my hair until I stopped, while I was quietly wiping my face saying I need to calm down and was okay.

Just saying, I was not.